SantaLand Diaries collects six of David Sedaris¿s most profound Christmas stories into one slender volume perfect for use as a last-minute coaster or ice-scraper. ¿SantaLand Diaries¿, ¿Dinah the Christmas Whore¿ and ¿Seasons Greetings from the Dunbar Family!!!¿ ¿ all three of these previously published stories have been set into a refreshing new typeface and joined by a trio of equally charming newcomers. This drinking man¿s companion can be enjoyed by the warmth of a raging fire, the glow of a brilliantly decorated tree, or even in the back seat of a police car. It should be read with your eyes, felt with your heart, and heard only when spoken to. It should, in short, behave much like a book. And oh, what a book it is! ¿My costume is green. I wear green velvet knickers, a yellow turtleneck, a forest-green velvet smock, and a perky stocking cap decorated with spangles. This is my work uniform. My elf name is Crumpet ¿¿ ¿ ¿SantaLand Diaries¿ ¿Were I to receive a riding vacuum cleaner or even a wizened proboscis monkey, it wouldn¿t please me half as much as knowing we were the only family in the neighborhood with a prostitute in our kitchen. From this moment on, the phrase ¿Ho, ho, ho¿ would take on a whole different meaning¿ ¿ ¿Dinah, the Christmas Whore¿ ¿If you happened to stand over four feet tall, the agony awaiting you at Sacred Heart Elementary began the moment you took your seat. These were mean little chairs corralled into a ¿theater¿ haunted by the lingering stench of industrial-strength lasagne¿ ¿ ¿Front Row Centre with Thaddeus Bristol¿